I was trapped between the light and darkness and, even worse, I was in firm denial. Even as my world un-threaded itself, I firmly believed I had it all under control. On top. Bottom of the third, bases loaded, sliding to home, eye on the ball, nerves shot, bedraggled, but definitely not out. I'm stupidly stubborn like that. Yet, that strength, attention to detail, and independence are what I pride myself on. I can do anything I put my mind to doing. I can build and tear down those walls and obstacles at a moment's notice. With a little will power and tenacity, pop! Up goes a wall! Bam! Down comes a wall! Nothing much has changed other than the fact that I'm learning I have limits, and it's okay to be lazy (Fine. It's a work in progress). Other people sleep on a typical schedule from 10 PM to 5 AM. I sleep whenever the hell my brain lets me. I remember definitions and describe words even if I cannot command words and language as powerfully as other people. Other people are concise and pithy. I can give you a novel, and still be no where near my own point, even if I have taken you from point A to H, may be to P, then back to B, oh yeah, there's X, Y, C, J, and Z! Different? Yes. Difficult? For sure. Pain in the ass? Hell, yes! Not less. I'd like to think that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
To make silent a thought or opinion you don't agree with or wish to acknowledge IS dangerous. Silence isolates and makes a situation far worse than it needs be (a fact I can relate to very well, and try like hell, am having difficulty changing). It stops discussion and any means of hope or compromise. Depression is a horrible place to linger, especially in a society that at once demands we pay attention to its warning signs and symptoms, but, in turning to others for help, we instead hear well-intended advice that falls far short of any sort of meaningful help. Or, we're faced with a crumbling mental health bureaucracy of red tape that grows longer and less helpful with each budget cut (or, if you're lucky, and actually do have a job and health insurance, then it's questioning whether you have the finances, and trying to swing time off of work while not letting work get behind). Even better yet, someone extends to you the helpful advice of "Just shake it off" (or, worse, you're own advice of "Just gotta kick my ass into gear!"). It's that much worse when you keep telling yourself the same bullshit day in and day out, until you solemnly believe and will swear that if you firmly kick yourself in the ass, pull your big girl panties up, and "just deal with it", you'll solve the whole sordid affair in one afternoon. In the words of Kenny Chesney, "Yeah, I've been there, that's why I'm here" (okay, fine, he was singing about AA meetings, but go along with it!).
Over the next couple of weeks (months, years), I will be playing catch-up and finishing my original post and thoughts for Autism Awareness. I will be talking often about depression, my suicide attempt (where I was within 30 minutes of dying and still have yet to process that information), and trying to heal and cope while living with my mom in a crappy state with equally crappy transportation and laws that at once discriminate against me and are holding me back (but that I can't do anything about, so, um, yeah. Stay tuned for that anger/pity/anxiety-fun-fueled-sob-fest-of-love party blog post! /sarcasm). I'll also talk a lot about critters, because, after all, what's an autism blog for, if not obsessions? Go furry critters! Wooot!